Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Anarchy at the Theatre, an Extensive report

Disclaimer: Before I start, I'd like to say that any damage caused by this document is not my fault and if you get beaten up doing anything in this document, it's not my fault. If you read this document, you're responsible for the results - not me. Basically, it's not my fault.

Caution:
This is only for people who draw sadistic pleasure from the pain and suffering of others. By reading this article, you have agreed to be part of the socialist proletariat anarchist revolution.

People are always telling me I have a loud voice, so I decided to put it to good use. I didn't create this technique, but I refined it. The art has existed since the dawn of the motion pictures - what I've done is only get the whole act together and define, refine and per¬fect the fine art of public heckling.

Very rarely will you come across a movie that inspires you and makes you think. We live in an era of vacuous entertainment that is care¬fully constructed to mimic the real world and extract money from our pockets. Movies are a global industry devoted to maintaining a web of bulls hit stereotypes, assumptions, contra¬dictions, and moronism spewing like diarrhoea on the screen. Fight the power! Raeg Against The Machien!

Of course, there are gems worth watching. Fight Club was a brilliant movie, and I sat and watched it without disturbing anybody. This accounts for a maximum of 1% of all Movies movies. This is for the other 99%.

THINGS TO REMEMBER

1. Sit in the balcony - it's safer - but if you're brave and don't mind the challenge, sit in the stalls - it's a lot more fun there. The risk makes it more fun.

2. Do not take the first three rows, because many people can't hear you and you'll have a neck ache by the end of the movie. Try to get centre-row-centre, so more people can hear your performance.

3. Learn annoying techniques of coughing, screaming, clapping, laughing, whistling, commenting, and so on.

4. Carry a mobile phone, the mystic secrets of which I'll explain later.

5. Go in a large group of anarchists like yourself. People don't mess with a large group.

ANNOYING TECHNIQUES


Coughing - Coughing is a personal Favorite of mine. Firstly, nobody asks you to shut the **** up while you're coughing, and you can be as loud, annoying and sick-sounding as you want. Coughing aloud with pain and suffering is an art, which you might have to practice a bit. The key is to sound like a lung cancer patient suffering from a heart attack, gargling blood and phlegm while drawing deep asthmatic breaths. It's just like singing, only more refined and artistic. Use your sense of comic timing to cough during romantic scenes or when the actor is about to bone the actress.

Screaming - Screaming is a powerful tool we all possess but are afraid to use. Screaming techniques are unique, so develop your own. I personally use the Help - I'm - an - ugIy- banshee - being – raped ¬- by - Robin-Hood scream. I can't possibly describe this scream in any other way. You have to feel every moment to scream at the opportune time, lest the suspense of the movie enthral you. Experiment wher¬ever and whenever you feel it could work. Trust your instincts, Luke.

Clapping - Clapping is a driving force in any theatre, as there'll be at least ten other people who'll join the bandwagon and blindly clap with you. Clap loudly whenever you feel like it, clap at crappy dialogues, at witty monologues, love-making scenes, intervals, trailers, and those short movies made by the National Films Association. Clap because your life force demands it. Let the magic of movie-making guide your spirit.

Fun With Laser Pointers - Laser Point¬ers are the shit. Get about four to five of them and play this game we call "Shoot the crotch". The rule to this game is to keep the pointer focused at the crotch during the entire movie. This can be a very challenging game, and a fantastic boredom avoidance device. Use these technological won¬ders to distract audiences - let' em know where you're really looking.

Commenting - This is our second favourite. It's second only because there's a risk of being beaten up attached to it. We've been threatened twice in the theatre for this and almost got beaten up once. So caution with this one. A few catch phrases that will never get old:
Boring!
Stop the Pain! Make it Stop, God!
Bastard! Don’t you have mother or Sister at Home.

OTHER FUN THINGS TO DO

A movie is a great time to check out the ringer tone in your cell phone, pretend someone just called you and narrate the entire movie to them. This will piss people off to the extent that you may be kicked out of the movie. Always keep this gag for the end of the movie. Get lots of popcorn and keep throwing it over the edge on the people in the stalls. This creates havoc down below, and you're still safe up here.
Caution: Don't look down first. Wait for someone else to do that mis¬take.
Come up with your own freaky, insane, irritating ideas and mail them to me via at nebuz.i21{at}gmail{dot}com